a small window into my life at present

i know i'm terrible at keeping up to date with this, especially when i'm busier than usual. i've been at university in glasgow for almost three months now, so here's a snippet of my life afterhours in (other people's) pictures:
the flat across from ours, first night!

art school numero uno




jackson, isabella, maria, and linnea, outside stereo

meal at isabella's


the skinny's birthday at the arches



sophie's birthday

synth



post-synth

equalized




halloween friday

halloween

for the price of a night with me

you'd be the village joke


i leave for scotland on the 5.45 train from euston tomorrow. i'll miss people dreadfully, and i'm obscenely nervous, but i'm hopeful and excited. if you're reading this, the likelyhood is i'm missing you

a certain someone confuses me beyond all measure. i dream about them caring for me, missing me, feeling for me in the same way i do for them. this infuses with my general conciousness, and i believe in it. i don't think about them all the time, i haven't prevented myself for thinking about other people, i'm not obsessed. i kiss our relic when i'm in bed, and wish all unsaid words to pass through it and find their way to you

hopefully the post below doesn't apply to blogging

i'm of to university in five days, and am doing my usual ritual of meticulously planning. i have already packed, i have written down all of the things that i might want to get involved with during freshers week, and i have fictitious groceries lists made to comply with a number of easy, nutritious recipes. all of this distracts me from the emotional strain of leaving home, and moving somewhere else.

lessons on conversation

1) never talk continuously for 90 seconds
2) try to begin a sentence with "I" as few times as possible

missing someone special

cigars with dad

it's soothed me a little; a-level results come out tomorrow x

daffodil

i drew something that i didn't think was too bad for once. but still compared to ewan's drawings, it leaves much to be desired

beavis & butthead

this is me before i walked all the way home from bromley. the weekend just passed was indeed, a walking one.

i'm off to josh's party in norwich today, and i'm nervously excited. or excitedly nervous? i can't tell which yet, but either way, i'm not sure if pvc gloves will go down a storm in diss.

i made cupcakes, of which i'm praying some photos are taken of. i made an extra effort, and plucked letters out of the sugar decorating alphabet to spell out a number of names and words, including "josh", "birthday", and "twenty one". i rang last night to remind j of when i would be arriving at the coach station. my dad had previously warned me that it was strange to ask whether or not i could bring a suitcase;

"when you go to someone's house they don't get out a tape measure and check how much luggage you've brought"

i couldn't help but ask, and josh agreed this was a strange question. he later told me that he has recently been propostioned by a middle aged gay man. but that's another story. after said phonecall i accidently switched off the answering machine. dad needed to record a new message, instantly. apparently. each attempt he made mistakes, fumbling for words, to the extent that we were both cracked up in silent laughter

soon i'll be leaving for the coach at victoria...

the coach journey was super long and lonely, and i felt that all my fellow passengers, mostly on their way to great yarmouth, were rather unimpressed with me. and perhaps of a shallow gene pull. i felt my nose twisting in to toffee, but was rather amused... to be continued

i'm not the one you want babe

my new turban and pvc gloves arrived yesterday, the first of many ebay purchases to be coming my way. i'm just off out to brick lane, meeting judy and rachel at victoria. i think we'll be too late for shops, so i thought dressing up a little would cheer me up, especially as we're going for a wee drinky in what is arguably the most painstakingly pretentious area in london. however, i like going there every so often, so what does that say about me? :/

i'm going to brave wearing the turban properly on a day when my skin is a bit better and my hair isn't so clean. i really like wearing men's shirts like this!





turban from ebay, jacket from betty jackson at debenhams, scuffed old boots from debenhams, white shirt is my dad's, belt from a charity shop, and the coat i bought in zara vienna whilst travelling - it was reduced from something like 50 euros to 29!

not just another drop in the ocean

i'm really sad when i see other people of my age who have so much natural talent and beauty, let alone drive. it's not just jealousy, it's a horrible longing. wishin' and hopin' and dreamin'

i could rub out all my senses sometimes, just to be further from people i love

selfdramatizing rubbish

i like escaping in books and music
but i also the realm of superficiality where i can judge myself most easily, pretending my ridiculous whimsical purchases will make me someone happier, and someone different. not beige, not watery, not a mollusc or a flea or a pea brained pigeon

slimy traces on the pavement
molluscs, their pathetic pace
but if you lean in very closely
they leave silver with their slithers




i'm making dinner, what are you having?

i've been searching and wondering

i'm sorry i haven't posted anything for an age, and if i'm saying sorry to anyone, i suppose it's myself. recently i returned from my interrail trip around Europe with my friend Claire. it was one of the most worthwhile things i have done for a really long time, and between train hopping and sightseeing, i believe it has helped me grow and develop. somehow we both managed to be rather responsible, and didn't have any real fights or arguments. i'll just start off with a few diary accounts i wrote on the trip...

3rd July - London to Brussels, Brussels to Amsterdam
this morning we got up at 4.45am. naturally i didn't sleep as well as i ought to have, but i was excited. the eurostar journey went relatively quickly, as claire and i planned what we may be doing from city to city. before we knew it we were off the train and in brussels! okay, so all we saw of brussels was the train station, as we then left for amsterdam. however, i managed to speak a little french getting redbulls and marlboro lights in the newsagents - very belgian, i know. we started drinking around ten... it was heineken though, originally brewed in amsterdam, so that was alright. looking out of the train window, the land is so surreally flat. i've seen so many people walking their little dogs, and the expanse of the country planes makes them seem endless.








4th July - Amsterdam to Hamburg
yesterday in amsterdam was wonderfully relaxed, but we can easily justify that we soaked up a lot of culture, as well as sun. we dumped our bags in our hostel, and were welcomed by four sleepy dorm mates. the two swedish girls weren't particularly sociable, but the '21' year old australians, marco and alex(?) were amiable. we let them go back to sleep and walked around the quaint canals and the vondel park. the tall, attached buildings were very sweet and pretty, and every second person looked like a fashion model. every space available in the city is used for something; there are hardly any benches, and cyclepaths are inconspicuous affairs in the middle of pedestrian pavements. it's an extremely efficent place, and the streets were full in the heat. claire and i later went to a coffee house for the good old amsterdam 'coffee'. we both had the weakest pre-rolled hash joints, and a space cake each. later on we were really very stoned as the space cakes took their toll. once back at the hostel we chatted to the aussies, who were kind but a little straight edge and extremely unimpressed. claire went mad and started tripping around singing, and i was paranoid, going completely schiz. we both crashed out and marco bought us both a sandwich, which i stuffed as soon as they left the room. today we managed to be out of bed by nine, and stumbled on to a tempramental pedalo. comedies such as "only fools and horses" spring to mind, as we frantically pedalled for our lives, narrowly escaping being an extension of a number of motorboats. afterwards we looked around some of the churches, then the red light district. unlike the reeperbahn in hamburg, the girls stand infront of glass doors, and are most likely there from 9am onwards everyday. we got the earlier train to uterecht, and then changed at osnabruk. i am writing this at five to seven, on the train to hamburg


5th July - Hamburg
hamburg has been what will probably be our most relaxing stop. it was so lovely to see my first ever aupair, who i see fairly often. she looked after me when i was three to four, and ever since she's been the first of many adopted sisters! i slept so well last night. i was worried that claire wasn't having much fun, and felt a little out of place, but felli said she was really liked her. after i ate what i call a hearty 'meat salad' in a turkish café, along with claire, felli, and her boyfriend benedikt

i'm the slime coming out of your tv set

i don't think i'd ever wear this anywhere, apart from to school. i was in a pink mood
well my last a-level exam is today, wish me luck! it's so humid today, but i think it's breezy too - the weather is the bane of my british existence sometimes X

p.s i couldn't face the world in the pink boots on such a humid day, see grey shoes

some guys just can't hold their arsenic

my webcam is just so rubbish
haha look how big my head looks! don't worry, i'm just leaning forwards
i'm begging alex wang's fall collection, though with not much success
i just cut the arms off a primark 'leather' jacket, and the legs off some opaque tights. shorts peackocks, espadrilles peacocks, grey vest an old one of my mum's, black long sleeved t-shirt second hand

i was pleasantly surprised to see Becky and Rose walking to chez moi this afternoon (not just because it was from behind...)
anyway i went for a quick drink in my local with those wonderful girls, and some st dunstans peeps. most of them had to leave, but i had a chat with hannah who lingered on - was so nice to see her after all this time. we asked Rose, who's now an elderly nineteen, all our uni queries

i need to learn how to roll cigarettes, i want to save money

today i had my second to last exam - english literature, the second paper
i think it went quite well, but we'll see
i really enjoyed it, sadly enough. i like losing myself in the unseen poetry, were pretty much anything your interested in is vaguely relevant

i hope everyone's week has gone well, TGI Friday tomorrow, TBH! ABBREVIATIONS!!!111

xxx

listening to: the "Chicago" soundtrack (and singing to it loudly)
want: some books on art history

Now you say you're lonely, you cry the whole night through. Well, you can cry me a river

I cried a river over you"
tired of feeling used
and feeling like i need other people's friendship and love to prove my worth


i feel like a caged animal
transition dreams, the night before last it was from a shanty town to new york
last night it was all about losing keys in a hotel of never ending rooms
change is coming, and i can't wait for a new start

no pictures because i've jsut been wearing dressing gowns or pyjamas whilst rotting indoors. i'll post something tomorrow before my exam


did anyone see the first of the three part series "Occupation"? it was on BBC one (i think,) last night at 9pm. it's fantastically produced, shot, and acted. it's about army occupation, and that of mercenaries, in basra, iraq. i thought the relationship between the soldier, James Nesbitt's character, and the civilian doctor was a nice touch, but maybe a slightly clichéd diversion from the rest of the weighty subject matter. however, it works. i'm still not sure how well it will live up to the reviews.



listening to: Shirley Bassey, Cher
when i was younger i sang lots of Bassey songs, i love that she's just as much a performer as a singer, you can even hear it in her voice
xxx

rodent patrol

hello

i really need these exams to finish so i don't have as much of an opportunity to waste time. i haven't been revising today, i just carried my books around the house with me as a reminder of what i was supposed to be doing.

my parent's are having some family friends over this evening. many people who know me might not believe how ridiculously shy i can be, but i get so nervous before leaving the house, before people come to visit, and often even in front of my own family, but not my parents. i'll try my best to be jovial, but i think i'll escape upstairs with the pretence of revision between courses

i was a little disheartened that my dad didn't ask me to help with the cooking today. also he criticised me for being materialistic when i said i wanted a turban haha! i suppose i am fairly materialistic in a sense, but i hope i'm not shallow. i like clothes but i'm not particularly 'fashion', and there's nothing wrong with liking nice things either. however, i take his point, and i will make sure i focus on other things more once i am free from the house. in two weeks i'm going to be very busy, i hope i can rise to the challenge (that is the challenge of maintaining un-natural energy levels - pro plus 'lol'?)

on another note, i think i would quite like a camera, not just for this silly blog and the quality of webcam photos, but so i can document memories of the summer etc. the lumix looks really nice, but to be honest it's probably out of my price range.

anyway, on the topic of shallow things...


espadrilles and strapless top from peacocks (!!), chinos from asos, white belt second hand, bracelet was my aunty's when she was younger. i look like such a ratface ERGH. also, the outfit's not all that, but it's quite good for me on a sunday


xxx

hit that perfect hit that perfect

green scarf from granny, miscellaneous black clothes, accesorised with an Anya




sorry i'm a little late with this, friday was really boozy, but very lovely.
i saw loads of my closest friends in the local pub, and got suitably drunk

i'm mega tired, so i'm going to be rubbish and go to bed, no outfit post for today xxx


listening to: Bronski Beat
reading: Lonely Planet Magazine

what it means for me to be with you alone

thursday 11th

yesterday's exam didn't go as well as i had hoped, and i REALLY want an A in English :( hopefully i did better than i thought. i have media and theatre studies today, it's going to be a lonnnng day, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel... i'm really excited about travelling around europe in a few weeks with one of my best friends, Claire. however, i want to be sure that i've done the best i can do in these terrifying examinations that 'mould' the future AHHH


black doc martins, black slouchy dress from peacocks, ring and necklace belonged to my mum and aunty when they were little, black jacket from debenhams agesss ago




listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers!!! when i was more ickle they were my favourite band, they still hold the key to my tiny bleak heart HA


have a good day y'all, don't get rained on x

"it is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on"

wednesday 10th

i have my first exam this afternoon, so i thought i'd dress in something new to cheer myself up. i'm terrified, but it'll be nice to have it out of the way, as i've been cruisin' around the house for a while. i'm hoping to get in to my element and really enjoy the paper, but if not... NO i' m going to keep optimistic, otherwise it may be a shambles

(excuse my face)

the 'dress' is a miss selfridge skirt i got from the local charity box, the jeggings are urban outfitters, the earring's accessorize, 'belt' from the leather jacket, faux leather jacket from primark, and steve madden shoes i got in a swap on bigwardrobe.com. i'm going to freeze so i'll be chucking on a black jumper or cardie, and wheeling along the old brolly too

i don't take the tube into london, but it'll probably effect my journey, and definately effect the journey of many fellow a-levelers. i heard that the strike is over some of the tube operaters/drivers(?) being sacked because they kept putting passengers IN DANGER. opening the tube doors on the wrong side and things ha! what do you think of the union leaders of public transport? i feel that they are important, but as people often irrational


keep safe goiz! x

listening to: Take Five by Dave Brubeck
reading: last minute online revision notes!

exam panic

tuesday 9th

today i've been indoors revising, as i have for the past few weeks, excluding the much anticipated friday nights. tomorrow i have my first exam, which is one of the english literature papers, on Othello and The Merchant's Tale

i've been slobbing around the house, so here is a very unattractive picture of me in a cardigan of my grandma's, maroon tights, and an old stripy t-shirt
(note i'm also wearing my glasses or 'gig-lamps')



i fell asleep last night with a huge torch (ha) and The Oxford Book of English Verse, which i've been meaning to flick through for a while. perhaps it'll inspire me to develop my uninspiring writing. I am constantly waking up at night, fumbling around for something to write with, and waking up disappointed. and tired.

does anyone reading this wear contact lenses? i'm considering a laser-eye operation

wishlist: latex stockings, latex opera gloves, tassled biker jacket
listening to: Orange Juice - Simply Thrilled Honey
reading: Bleak House - Charles Dickens

If I don't know how to be thankful enough for the clusters of white blossom

i've decided to start this blog in addition to it's other, vaguer sister (www.millyismelting.blogspot.com)

i was talking with my friend Simone this weekend, and decided i would go ahead and do a blog of 'outfits'. however, i'm going to write with them too, and i will post what i've really been wearing, rather than something to take a photo in, then never wear outdoors. i don't want it to be pretencious, but rather a visual accompliment to an online diary of sorts. i've called it 'The Heart is a Lonely Hunter', as that's a novel I enjoyed by Carson McCullers

any thoughts?